Pipe Specification

To: ALL ENGINEERS
From: STANDARDS COMMITTEE
Subject: PROPOSED REVISED STANDARD FOR PIPE AND PIPE FITTING
 (1) All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal
     concentric to the hole.
 (2) All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length.
 (3) All pipe is to be of very best quality, perfectly tubular or pipular.
 (4) All acid proof pipe is to be made of acid proof material.
 (5) O.D. of pipe must exceed the I.D., otherwise the hole will be on
     the outside.
 (6) All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water,
     steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
 (7) All pipe is to be supplied without rust, as this can be more
     readily put on at the job site.
 (8) All pipe is to be cleaned from any covering such as mud, tar,
     barnacles or any form of manure before putting up, otherwise it
     will make lumps under the paint.
 (9) All pipe over 500 feet long must have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly
     painted on each end so that fitter will know that it is a long pipe.
(10) Pipe over two miles long must also have these words painted in the
     middle so that fitter will not have to walk the full length of
     the pipe to determine if it is a long pipe or not.
(11) All pipe over 6 inches in diameter is to have the words "LARGE
     PIPE" painted on it so that fitter will not use it for small pipe.
(12) All pipe closers are to be open on one end.
(13) All pipe fittings are to be made of the same stuff as pipe.
(14) No fittings are to be put on pipe unless specified. If you do,
     straight pipe becomes crooked pipe.
(15) FITTINGS come in all sorts of sizes and shapes. Be sure to specify
     the direction you are going when ordering.
(16) If flanges are to be blank or blind, the big hole in the middle
     must be filled with metal.
(17) All flanges must be cast or forged of very best quality iron
     metal, close grained, free from blow holes, lumps, cavities, pock
     marks, pin pricks, and warts, otherwise we can't use them.
(18) Gaskets are to be used to fill space between flanges.
(19) Gaskets are to be made of metal, rubber, plastic, paper, or some
     kind of goop - do not use cow or sheep manure. It cracks when it
     gets dry.
(20) All bolts must have a head on one end and a nut on the other.
(21) All piping must be installed with valves.
(22) All valves must have an opening on each end with a flapper in the
     middle that goes up and down or sideways when you turn the wheel
     or crank so that it will open or close, otherwise the stuff will
     run out of the ends.
(23) Valves are to be furnished by the kind required as follows:
     Ball valves have a ball inside.
     Gate valves have a gate inside.
     Glove valves have a glove inside.
     Check valves have a check inside.
     Angle valves have an angle inside.
     Plug valves have a plug inside.
     Diaphragm valves have a diaphragm inside.
(24) All completed piping lines must go somewhere and connect to something. 
     The fitter is required to verify this before turnover.